I'm Worried

I'm worried about a lot of things if I indulge it. But primarily this evening I'm worried about my Grandmother. She is a 92.5 year old rock star. She has been recently overwhelmed with terrible back pain and I feel terrible that at her age she would have to endure such pain. I also worry that she won't live long enough to meet any great grandchildren. I suppose it's morbid to worry about such things but I do sometimes.

I used to not fear death but recently I have and do. . .I suppose that is tied to my struggle with faith. And finally being mature enough to understand that I'm not invincible. I'll figure it out. And if I don't, I'm still going to end up dead. . .haha. . .Little funny. . .little gallows humor. . .

Maybe it's not just my faith that's bothering me. Maybe I'm not living my authentic life. Maybe I haven't figured out what and who and where I'm supposed to be yet? Maybe that's it?

I would imagine Merton would say it's one in the same.

Maybe I'm meant to shuffle my belongings around and re-arrange them until all hours of the morning, focusing, thinking, being quiet. It's like meditation for me - always has been. I am productive and waiting patiently for a new sunrise, a fresh start, a new opportunity to do better, work harder, to have fun.

Maybe sorting and moving and shifting inanimate objects helps me take inventory of my thoughts, feelings, emotions - it does. A coping mechanism and therapy of sorts if you will.

I'm going to say a prayer for all of us, as I often do, while I'm sorting my "stuff" and look forward to a bright new day. I think my Grandma and Merton would appreciate that.