Thoughts. . .

"As we grow older and realize more clearly the limitations of human happiness, we come to see that the only real and abiding pleasure in life is to give pleasure to other people"

P.G. Wodehouse, Something New

Is this why grandparents spoil grandchildren?

At some point in my maturation process I made an earth-shattering discovery - the world does not revolve around me.

I know, as fabulous as I am, I still had to admit it. The world does not revolve around me.

And as soon as I realized it, I went into denial and made my own sub-world. . .My world of wonderful accomplishments and my world of how many letters can I put behind my name, and my world of a lovely home, and husband, and well behaved pets. My world of going to the "in" bars and restaurants. . .Wearing the "right" nail polish, carrying the "it bag," reading 10 different newspapers, going to the "right school" and so forth.

But it left me feeling anxious about my acceptance - in my own sub-world. My world of being "perfect." It's no different than high school. I had to get right with ME!

And it makes me want to puke.

It's repulsive. . . How can you go through most of your life worried about what other people think about you?

One of my dearest confidants in PM Law chastised me one evening for having worn the latest Ann Taylor Loft camel and black big houndstooth print skirt and long jacket and carrying an Eddie Bauer tartan plaid umbrella. . ."Mixing plaids, d not cool." I loved her. I adored her. I still adore her to this day. But it was raining and I needed an umbrella. I didn't have my solid black umbrella. . .I just needed an umbrella. And still it hurt me that she said that - esp since I had given her notes and outlines, etc. At any rate, that could have been one clue I was about to go off the edge of all that is rational. . . That I cared. After all, we were well removed from High School at that point.

In close proximity to that event: d drunk in bar on a "school night" calling Dad convinced that I will never ever find personal or professional satisfaction. That I will continually drive myself bonkers seeking more and more and more education, money, accolades - the next ring.* He was cool. He let me work it out. . .

(At this time we - Me & Pops - had an analogy/metaphor going about brass rings - 'cause left-handers could never grab the ring on the traditional carousels. . .So the lesson was always to get the ring, and another, and so forth - seeing as how we're both lefties)

It's taken about 4 years but I think I have worked it out. (That would be a grand total of 33 years! At least 29 of them tortured) I'm now happy to wear whatever I please (still with respectable taste and a sense of humor). I'm now happy to reap the rewards of my education (but am still learning). I'm happy to step back (but lazy isn't in my make up). I'm happy I'm sooooooo FINALLY OVER ME!

I can finally focus on all that is right and not the "not quite right." I like making other people happy. I like giving unconditionally. I like that I have finally grown up a little. I love knowing that doesn't mean I'm a "sell out" or a lazy slacker. . .I've just finally in the past few years realized how important everyone and everything is so much more interesting and fascinating and important than ME!

Could this possibly mean my one moment of practicing moderation has crept up on me over the years until my entire life is one gigantic moment of moderation?

The artist in me will never allow it. . .I have a tattoo that is over-due for an addition. LOL!!!