Sentimental. . .Growing Up. . .Who d?

I'm not sure what exactly is happening lately. I'm not sure I like it. Certainly it smacks of middle age and mellowing.

My feelings are very much mixed about these new developments.

Today C and I were walking. There is a glorious over-rehabbed row house a block from ours. . .yet worlds away in terms of space and design. It's for sale. I took a listing sheet. Yikes! It was built about 20 years after ours. It's nearly 3 times the size and has nearly 50 times the amenities. It also costs $725,000.

C and I discussed our next moves (again). . .family. . .literally moving. . .How will this work? I've been very stubborn about some of the items on my list for a second home. I've also been a huge proponent of don't dare even settle.

My focus has been on doing things bigger, better, faster and more with as much fun and crazy enjoyment as possible along the way. I guess my focus has predominately been on trying to develop, fix, and fine tune myself.

But after dinner, after C was long fast asleep, as I sit here in the quiet of my basement, within earshot of the central AC unit gently humming, I wonder. I question. I re-evaluate.

How long can anyone go on focused on bigger, better, faster, more? Does it matter in the grand scheme so long as our priorities are in order, we do things with valor and conviction and integrity? Does it matter whether our home is 1000 or 10,000 square feet? Does it matter if my shoe is scuffed, I have a hair out of place, my mascara is slightly smudged, and I only made hard-boiled eggs for dinner? Can I EVER stop judging people - myself included - for allowing these things to happen. . .Can I cut myself a break? I doubt it, but at least I'm open to the idea.

If this is a side effect of the lifestyle challenge I'm definitely not cool with it -Yet. Still something about it feels "right." Right in the inexplicable way that complete strangers used to refer to C and me as Husband and wife when we had just started dating. . .An uncomfortable "right" that is inexplicably wholly comforting.