Good Morning!

Found Dexter in the bathtub this morning. . .He didn't comment on what he was doing in there. I suppose it wasn't any of my business anyway.

Anyone wondering when in the hell I'm awake so early this morning? I'm not sure myself. I was awake and instead of forcing myself to fall asleep again, I just got up. I'm going to try writing a little this morning - or something else I like to do. Take some pics. Not sure but I have some time to do something pleasant before work.

And I'm thinking about work. I've been working for the same company (more or less) for the past 10 years. I always believed that if I did what I was supposed to do, possessed an exceptional attitude, was well educated, was a team player, and worked like a dog I'd somehow be "rewarded."

I'm beginning to understand (I'm a bit slow obviously), that doesn't always matter. Sometimes it's who you know. Maybe sometimes, it's luck? In fact, my destiny isn't entirely dependent on me. (And yes, I read Outliers and know for most successful folks, it seldom is but if I have any luck it seems poor at best).

I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this realization. I'm not sure I'm fully committed to working at something that doesn't bring me enough joy, likely is detrimental to my blood pressure, and often feels as if my contributions are meaningless or insignificant at best.

I gave up working for the altruistic greater good when I took this gig 10 years ago. I was working for "the man" for sure. . .An entirely capitalistic corporate greed ain't such a bad thing business. At the time, I justified it as a paycheck while I went to law school. After law school, I stayed believing that if I just had a different position, reached a certain level of accomplishment, I could go back to more meaningful endeavors. Plus, there were mortgages and loan payments and retirement savings to address.

But this morning, I'm acknowledging my disenchantment with the past ten years. I'm no longer satisfied spending 10 hours a day in a place being a small cog in a huge columbine that runs day and night. Before I know it, all the teeth will have ground off the cog. I'll be one of those hollow-eyed middle-aged middle managers, lamenting what I should have done. . .

I read somewhere recently that the days can feel so long but the years go by so quickly. I think that's an accurate observation. Ten years has gone by very quickly and yet, my days are frequently full of confrontation, pettiness, drudgery. The "rewards" hardly seem worth it in hindsight.

So I've been thinking about what I'd like to do differently and how I'd do that. I haven't figured it all out yet but I've decided being proactive never hurt anyone. And if I want to write, I'll write. If I'd rather take photos, I'll take photos. I'll work hard at it. There may be folks with more talent, but I'll bet there are very few willing to work as hard as me. I'm relentless.

Going forward, somehow, in careful steps or maybe a chaotic crash, my income and happiness aren't going to be dependent on a bunch of suits that don't know who I am, what I do, or even how well I do it. Whether that means temping as an attorney part time, waiting tables, staying where I am and slowing checking out. . .I'm not sure. I have time to figure it out. . .but not much.

Life is too short.