I realize our characteristic holiday madness has gone largely undocumented this past week. It's sad and unfortunate circumstances that have left me incommunicado: My Father passed away Saturday the 19th.
He did have some dislike for snow. . .and he did always desire to have all his friends and family with him for the holidays. . .And he was challenged by a progressive illness. . .And now he's at peace.
I'm preparing to write my final love letters to my Father this evening and figured a little blathering about grief might help get the ideas going. . .
First of all, for me grief seems a dream-like state. I know what the date is today because I was reminded it's Christmas Eve. The past 6 days have felt like one huge dream sequence in which I'm drifting between fond memories to near nightmare. At times, I function superbly and can focus and other times, I'm tired and worthless.
My appetite has suffered the worst. It's a hell of a way to diet. I'm eating but need reminded to do so on occasion. I haven't showered since Tuesday. Yet, the house is clean, arrangements for a proper wake have been made, gifts have been wrapped. . .Strange indeed this gut-wrenching, heart breaking grief.
The worst part by far is acknowledging it is permanent. I know my Father will be the toughest and most vigilant guardian angel ever. But I know my sadness for his physical absence will never entirely leave me. I'm not bitter, and I'm not regret full, and I relish the memories and legacy he's left. . .but there is a piece of me that will never be quite the same. Never. Permanently altered.
I'm a rather stubborn and tough individual. I have been working on my faith. I'm not one to lie catatonic paralyzed by grief. . .but in some small way, I'll be different. Perhaps it's that small little piece of my heart that will be forever broken?
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Deni...I understand where you are coming from. The permanent thing is something I still don't want to believe and there are moments I forget the truth. Your father was an amazing person who left an amazing legacy. He will never be forgotten or his incredible stories. You will always be different and ever changing. Grief and life do that to you.
ReplyDeleteI have been dealing with my own grief over this past year. My only suggestion would be to go to group counseling. There are many free groups out there. Local hospitals and churches usually know where to send you. Counseling is never presented in a reglious way (this is a good thing). I cannot lie, grief is a long process that I am still fighting through everyday. Some days I pause and think "do I want to even get out of bed", but the rest of my family doesn't allow me to linger too long with those thoughts.
By the way....love the cat posts. I am a big cat lover. At first, Denny complained about the cats a little, but over time...he enjoyed watching both the cats play and run through the house. He loved cats, too...you could tell by the twinkle in his eyes when he talked about them.